DAY 33 ….

Again I found myself weak and sick…and is not a cold is something serious …,its start a couple days ago ..,but I ignore  the symptoms …I feel all my life weak ,pretty much …I went to many doctors and healers thru the years and  i got help for a moment …,but then again come back to this weak state .
I really got panic today ,because  I need to work to support myself and don't have insurance ….I have a couple days ,before I go to work ..so can rest more …but still my maine things is what is going on with my health …
With in this I really came to the point of being possessed by my fear about me about surviving in this reality …and I see only the tip of this fear ….and with in this state I saw the memory of my childhood how I carry this fear ,because I was sick a lot and did not knew what is going on??…..
I will see the doctor soon on Tuesday …but even thou I see how I let be fear dictate anything  what I do or say ….Its like I don't see nobody ,nothing  in this reality ,but feel anxious  and  fear …..and of course os not helping my body ….my body ,which is already trying to the best it can……with thin this I want to take responsibility for many points of fear :
1.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to be possessed by fear ,to such extend ,that I don't  see the reality around me ,to be and feel that is my problems are the most important ,that is nothing else exist here,to be in absolute panic .

2.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to take things ,life for granted ,to feel that everything is for me and should be for me ,which is totally fuck up,because life is equal and have the same value for everybody.

3.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself in this moment of fear forget everything and everybody ,but existing in this state of survivor ,were is all about me ,about how I can be help ,about my choices ,about my health ,my life ,…which is so ignorant  


,because nothing  of me is mine ,the Me which is  given to me for free , is so I can  be the best I can be, to support LIFE ,not only taking from Life what I needed ,the Life here is for everybody equal.

4.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to always have in the back of my mind surviving for Me ,how I can survive certain situation ,how I can be help …..,with out  considerations for others.

5.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to go to this winning state ,victim state ,were I very easy play the role of poor me ,why me ,I am good and don't deserve this situation ?….were i really lying to myself and not being self honest with me ,not wanted take responsibility for my LIfe …,were I am creator of my life and situation ,and there is no one to blame or rescue me ….Its 


All my doing .

6.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to not be appreciative  of people who are around me , were I take them for granted ,were I think I deserve …which is pure ignorance on my part .


7.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself never being humble to Life ,and I am not talking from  spiritual perspective ,but from this point of reality ,that I am part of this Gift -which is Life!!!

8.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to ,in the moments of this fear ,have interesting only about me ,having conversations with people only about me ,because this Me needs help ,and apparently  I need more attention  then everybody .

9.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to have this construct from a childhood .when I was sick everything was about me and I see how I form this now …and how I create the situation of being sick ,so the I can have the attention from someone …,which is totally fuck up on my part .
10.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to demand help from people ,because apparently  I am in bed situation ,want to dismiss totally the part I play to create the situation in the first plays.

11.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself in the moment like this want to blame my bad karma or God ,that this is so unfair ,to not seeing how I  play role in this also.

12.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to not seeing 
how people allover the world suffer ,how life for mostly the people in others country is unfair  ,but even thou they have this humbleness with in them ,were they don't blame anybody or anything ,but in the moment do the best they can in their lives  .



13.I commit myself to stop this fear of surviving ,and write more ,breathe and support and investigate myself more ,but not from the point of fear.

14.I commit myself to accept and allowed myself to stay in touch with physical reality with the moments like this ,to not allowed to be possessed by my fears .

15.I commit myself to not take this reality ,this Life for granted ,to be practical in my daily life ,to not waste time on line so much ,to do simple practical living movements ,slowly ,with breath .

Thank you for reading!!